Elephants to Disney: Can you spare a frickin’ Snapple?


Disney’s environmentalist propaganda offensive, the movie “Earth,” serves up phenomenal how-did-they-get-that footage and delivers on its rated G promise to not sensationalize the endless murder sprees in the wild kingdom.

Plus, not a single polar bear or sperm whale drops the F-bomb.

Nevertheless, I find two scenes hauntingly disturbing:

1. ELEPHANTS SUCKING ON DUST — We see a mommy and baby elephant trudge through a drought-ravaged corridor of Africa.  Making the lack of water even worse are the clouds of dust that line their throats, thick enough to make the movie audience cough.

I know the camera crews thought they were being responsible documentarians by refusing to alter the story, but couldn’t they occasionally spare a bottle of frickin’ Snapple or spring water?  Inconsiderate bastards.

2. PACIFIST WALRUSES — Picture the scene… one famished and scrawny polar bear arrives on an island filled with fat and brawny walruses. The polar bear lunges, at nursing home speed, at the yummy walrus children.

How do the fully-armed (well, tusked) walruses respond? Most of them run away. A few of them scrape their daggers into the bear’s fur, but mostly you see tails. it’s a slow-motion chase to nowhere because the bear tires of running for food, and tires of simply living.

Although the walruses lucked out with a weak enemy, their parenting behavior and overall self-esteem is absolutely disgraceful. You could arm these walruses with fully-stocked F-16s and Apache helicopters and they would use them to fly away from the bear.

Honestly, the “Earth” storylines were no more compelling than the average nature documentary on the Discovery Channel. But all the drama in these kind of films is artificially constructed anyhow.

Spoiler Alert! Here’s what happens in the movie…  Animals are born, they eat, they look for more things to eat, they move around some more, and then they die.

There, I just saved you nine bucks a head.

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Filed under Animal Rights, Parenting

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