Miss Atomic Bomb 1957, pictured here in her mushroom cloud evening gown, cared more about winning the Cold War than achieving world peace.
I know this sounds like the guys who say they read Playboy magazine for the interviews, but my love for the Miss America, Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants has nothing to do with the swimsuit competition.
I’m attracted to the written and the spoken word.
And the kitschy Miss America introductions where contestants brag about their home states cannot be missed. For some bizarre reason, Culture Schlock is the only place where you can find a transcript of these 2010 introductions — although footage of the opening dance number (“I’ve Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas) is widely available.
In the past, I discovered that Miss America hopefuls were mocking their home states just to ingratiate themselves with the audience. This year’s batch of introductions, which MUST have been written by the contestants and not professional writers, contains far less rhetorical backstabbing.
Some Culture Schlock awards for the gals:
MISS CONFUSED — Miss Michigan proudly noted that Kellogg’s cereal is in Battle Creek, but oddly went on to trumpet Wheaties, a General Mills product and sister brand of Cheerios. She could have sung the praises of Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger or Snap, Crackle and Pop, but instead she tread on Minnesota territory.
MISS UNDERSELL — Miss Minnesota, meanwhile, instead of bragging about Cheerios or Wheaties, strangely pointed out the Vikings lost an important football game. C’mon, is that the best you can come up with to sell the Land of 10,000 Lakes? No Mall of America shopping jokes or noting your state loves celebrity politicians (U.S. Sen. Al Franken, Gov. Jesse Ventura)?
MISS INCOHERENT — Maybe this is more of a reflection of Northeastern prejudice or my inability to understand Southern dialects, but after six or seven TiVo rewinds, I still have NO idea what kind of music Miss Mississippi likes.
MISS IRREVERENT — Miss Alaska better watch her back when she returns to Juneau and Fairbanks. Fellow beauty queen Sarah Palin might go rogue on her.
MISS UNEXPECTED — Who knew that Iowa was America’s secret cauldron of video game development and innovation?
And now for the full roster of state introductions in all their unedited glory….
DId Miss America contestants get to write their own introductions to their states?
1. ALABAMA — “Home of the 2009 college football champion, the Crimson Tide, I’m Liz Cochran, Miss Alabama!”
2. ALASKA — “Born and raised in America’s snowglobe — and no, I can’t see Russia from my house — I’m your Miss Alaska, Sydnee Waggoner!”
3. ARIZONA — “From the state that gives you everything grand, even a big hole in the ground. Representing the Grand Canyon State, I’m Savanna Troupe — Miss Arizona!”
4. ARKANSAS — From the state with the nation’s only active diamond mine, I am Sarah Slocum, Miss Arkansas!”
5. CALIFORNIA — From the home of the Governator — I’m here to PUMP you up. I am Kristy Cavinder, Miss California!”
6. COLORADO — “From the state with four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and then Finally Summer, I’m Katie Layman, Miss Colorado!”
7. CONNECTICUT — “Representing the state that brought our nation the Constitution, I am Sharalynn Kuziak, Miss Connecticut!”
8. DELAWARE — “From the state where ladybugs always give us luck — I’m hoping Lady Luck shines on me! — I’m Heather Lehman, Miss Delaware!”
9. DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — “From the nation’s capital, I’m here to tell you that our security here is much tighter than the White House State Dinner. I’m Jen Corey, Miss District of Columbia!”
10. FLORIDA — From the college football capital, home of Mr. Florida, Tim Too — Tim, I’m single (shows empty ring fingers). I’m Miss Florida, Rachael Todd!
11. GEORGIA — “From the home of the Masters Golf tournament, where I didn’t meet Tiger Woods, I’m Emily Cook, Miss Georgia!”
12. HAWAII — Proudly representing paradise with a 21-letter state fish — Humuhumunukunukuapua’a — I’m Raeceen Woolford, Miss Hawaii!
13. IDAHO — “You call them poe-tay-toes, you can call them poh-tatt=ohhhs. But call me Kara Jackson, Miss Idaho!”
14. ILLINOIS — “Let me hear you make some Illi-NOISE! From the land of Lincoln, I’m Erin O’Connor, Miss Illinois.””
15. INDIANA — “Ladies, hold on to your crowns… From the home of the world’s fastest race, the Indianapolis 500, I am Nicole Pollard — Miss Indiana!”
16. IOWA –– From the state that brought you the video games ‘Madden,’ ‘Rock Band,’ and ‘Guitar Hero,’ I’m Anne Michael Langguth – Miss Iowa!”
17. KANSAS — “Celebrating the 75th anniversary of the Wizard of Oz, there’s still no place like home. I’m Becki Ronen, Miss Kansas!”
18. KENTUCKY — “From the state who gave you Muhammed Ali, Johnny Depp and my boyfriend, George Clooney, I’m Mallory Ervin, Miss Kentucky!”
19. LOUISIANA — “From the state of letting the good times roll all the way to the Super Bowl, I’m Katharine Putnam, Miss Lousiana!”
20. MAINE — “From the state that sees the sunrise first each morning, I’m Susie Stauble, Miss Maine!”
21. MARYLAND — “From the home of the Chesapeake Bay, where you can get your oysters fried, stewed or nude, I’m Brooke Poklemba, Miss Maryland!”
22. MASSACHUSETTS — “From the state where you really can pahk your cah in Havahd Yahd, I’m Amanda Kelly, Miss Massachusetts!”
23. MICHIGAN — “From the home fo Kellogg’s cereal, have you had your Wheaties this morning? I’m Nicole Blaszczyk, Miss Michigan!”
24. MINNESOTA — “From the state where the Minnesota Vikings — oh wait, the Saints stole my intro — I’m Brooke Kelly Kilgarriff, Miss Minnesota!”
25. MISSISSIPPI— “From the home of (undecipherable) music and the birthplace of Elvis Presley, I’m Anna Tadlock, Miss Mississippi!”
Miss America contestants are no longer mocking their home states for a cheap laugh
26.MISSOURI— From the home of the world’s most famous birds and our nation’s best baseball fans, I am Tara Osseck, Miss Missouri!”
27. MONTANA — “From the Big Sky country, where the skies are as a big as our hearts, I’m Brittany Wiser, Miss Montana!”
28. NEBRASKA— “From the home of the Huskers, where even a third grader can spell “Ndamukong Suh,” I am Brittany Jeffers, Miss Nebraska!
29. NEVADA — “The only World Series you’ll find in my state requires a good poker face. I’m Christina Keegan, Miss Nevada!”
30. NEW HAMPSHIRE — “Fasten your seatbelts because you want to. From the only state that gives you the freedom to be smart, I’m Miss New Hampshire, Lindsey Graham!”
31. NEW JERSEY — “Where big hair and fist pumps really aren’t accepted, and no, I don’t know ‘The Situation.’ From the Real Jersey Shore, I’m Ashley Shaffer, Miss New Jersey!”
32. NEW MEXICO — “From the state where we put chili on just about everything, I’m Nicole Miner, Miss New Mexico!”
33. NEW YORK — “From the state where Lady Liberty is our Miss America, I am Alyse Zwick, Miss New York!”
34. NORTH CAROLINA — “From the Tar Heel state, I hope to leave a footprint on your heart tonight. I am Katherine Elizabeth Southard, Miss North Carolina!”
35. NORTH DAKOTA — “From the state where seeing three cars on the road is considered heavy traffic, I’m Katie Ralston, Miss North Dakota!”
36. OHIO — “From the (home of) the reigning Rose Bowl champions, I’m Erica Gelhaus, Miss Ohio!”
37. OKLAHOMA — “Where the winds come sweeping down the plains and the wave of wheat sure smells sweet, I’m Taylor Treat, Miss Oklahoma!”
38. OREGON — “You can volley your way into my state, I’m your Miss Oregon, C.C. Barber!”
39. PENNSYLVANIA — “Coming to you from the home of the reigning Super Bowl champions, the city of Brotherly Love and the sweetest place on earth, I’m Shannon Doyle, Miss Pennsylvania!”
40. PUERTO RICO — “Yes, we are back in Miss America, so you better start practicing those rolling R’s. I am Mimi Pabon, Miss Puerto Rico!”
41. RHODE ISLAND — “From the state that brought you the Farrelly Brothers and Family Guy, I hope to put a smile on your face. I’m Julianna Strout, Miss Rhode Island!”
42. SOUTH CAROLINA — “From the state where its still against the law to keep a horse in your bathtub, I’m Kelly Sloan, Miss South Carolina!”
43. SOUTH DAKOTA — “From the state where there’s more cows than people, I’m Morgan Peck, Miss South Dakota!”
44. TENNESSEE — “From Graceland to Dollywood and all that’s in between, I’m Stefanie Wittler, Miss Tennessee!”
45. TEXAS — “From the proud new home of the World’s Largest Indoor Sporting Arena, we love our Cowboys! I am Miss Texas Kristen Blair!”
46. UTAH — “Coming from the only state that begins with U (double gun points to audience), I’m Whitney Merrifield, Miss Utah!”
47. VERMONT — “From the healthiest state in the nation, where we enjoy our Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and maple syrup, I’m Laura Hall, Miss Vermont!”
48. VIRGIN ISLANDS — From the U.S. territory where instead of making snow angels during the winter season, we can make sand angels, I am Shayla Solomon, Miss Virgin Islands!”
49. VIRGINIA — “They say you measure life in love. If that’s the case, the people in my home state are truly living! I am Caressa Cameron, Miss Virginia!”
50. WASHINGTON — “From the home of Microsoft and Starbucks, we are educated and caffeinated! I am Devanni Partridge, Miss Washington!”
51. WEST VIRGINIA — “John Denver coined us with song ‘Country Roads,’ but we just call it wild and wonderful, I am Talia Markham, Miss West Virginia!”
52. WISCONSIN — “Coming from the state where cheese isn’t just for eating, it’s also a fashion accessory, I am Kristina Smaby, Miss Wisconsin!”
53. WYOMING — “From the state with the lowest population and some of the highest elevations, I am Anna Nelson, your Miss Wyoming!”
Also check out:
BACKSTABBING BEAUTIES: “Miss America contestants now slam home states for cheap laughs”
GEOGRAPHY DISASTER: “Enough already, leave Miss Teen South Carolina alone!”
CROWN YOURSELF AS MISS AMERICA — A fun photo upload graphic courtesy of the TLC network.
MISS AMERICA CONTESTANTS SALUTE TACKY TOURIST PHOTOS — Miss Maryland calls the project “a great idea!”