Tag Archives: Exodus

EXODUS REBOOT: Are You Ready for an Ass-Kicking Moses?

Time for Moses to Kick Some Ass.

BIBLICAL BOXING POSTER: Time for Moses to Kick Some Ass.

Moses vs. Pharaoh: THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL.

I got what I expected from Christian Bales’ new movie: Batman channeling Moses.

“EXODUS: Gods and Kings” is far more violent than Charlton Heston’s campy performance in “The Ten Commandments,” and maybe that’s a good thing. Somewhere in all the oohing and ahhing over Egypt’s ancient tourist sites and art museum mummy exhibits, we’ve overlooked the brutal reality of slavery and the fact that the real Pharaohs were sadistic bastards — not just the inspiration for Bangles songs or Broadway musicals.

Like all Egyptian movie characters, this Ramses wears way too much eyeliner, but his temperament is not so pretty. He’s willing to chop off Miriam’s arm for hiding Moses’ Hebrew roots.

No worries, though. Moses doesn’t let it happen. He yells at Pharaoh and it’s enough for his sword to suddenly freeze midswing. Moses does a lot of yelling in this movie. And he sticks his sword in a lot of stomachs — both for and against the Egyptians depending on his mood.

Ever notice in your Passover Haggadah how all the fight scenes are overshadowed by prayers and songs? That’s not an issue in EXODUS: Gods and Kings. The above movie poster, which looks like Rocky Balboa telling Ivan Drago to “Go For It,” pretty much sums up director Ridley Scott’s take on the Bible.

There’s one scene in particular where Moses is training haggard Hebrew slaves to be champion horseback archers by teaching them to shoot hanging slabs of meat when I asked myself, “Why didn’t they teach me this stuff in Hebrew School?” And “When does Moses start punching the meat?” Continue reading

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Thirteen things NOT to say to unemployed friends

Boston Herald "Working Stiff" graphic

Sometimes the best way to “cheer up” an unemployed friend is to shut up and listen.

Or just send a fruit basket.

Offering well-meaning comments like “it was meant to be” or “everything happens for a reason” can come across as more trite than a fortune cookie.

Or as my job-hunting friend Rebecca puts it:

“People who say ‘everything happens for a reason’ are being sincere. That is their philosophy and they are trying to give you reassurance that things will work out okay. However, that’s not my world view and it’s being applied to my life and I have to sit there and take it because you mean well.”

“So I end up feeling even worse when someone offers that kind of comfort,” she adds. “I’m not only an unemployed loser, I’m also a bad person for silently critiquing your kind attempt to reach out!”

My favorite asinine remark: “Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window.”

God also drowns people (see Exodus 14:27).

Inspired by childhood influence Al Jaffee, the Mad Magazine cartoonist behind “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions,” I serve up the 13 dumbest things you can say to an unemployed friend — with suggested witty (I think) comebacks.

Check out today’s Boston Herald.

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