Tag Archives: Ten Commandments

The Price of Morality

If you want to own the original Ten Commandments, they can be yours for the bargain basement price of $10 million — or just $1 million per Commandment!

Act now and the seller will also toss in Dorothy’s blue-and-white checkered dress from “The Wizard of Oz” and nearly 900 other Hollywood movie costumes.

Having once played the role of Moses to critical acclaim, I covet those stone tablets (Oops, Commandment #10 says not to covet).

You can read about this amazing Hollywood yard sale in my latest Boston Herald story.

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Filed under Excuses to Dress as Moses

Pamela Lee pulls a Wile E. Coyote

Pam Anderson's pro-veggie campaign in Israel reads "Every Living Thing Has the Same Organs."

After going all biblical outside Tel Aviv’s Buddha Burgers vegetarian restaurant last year, Pamela Lee Anderson was recently back in Israel to promote her provocative anti-meat pin-up posters for PETA.

Surely this isn’t PETA’s intent, but the first thing I think of when I see Ms. Anderson’s labeled body parts is the classic Looney Tunes cartoon in which Wile E. Coyote reveals an anatomical chart of the Road Runner explaining the bird’s different flavors.

Wile E. Coyote prepares a slide presentation to explain the culinary appeal of the Road Runner. Had he made this presentation today, he likely would have used Microsoft PowerPoint.

The 1965 film is called “Zip Zip Hooray” and as a Culture Schlock exclusive, you are about to learn the 19 distinct flavors of the Road Runner. You won’t find this information transcribed anywhere else on the Web. Not on YouTube, not on Wikipedia, not on Epicurious. It’s just one of those extra services we provide for our readers.

So to bring you up to speed — Beep! Beep! — the Coyote is in hot pursuit of the Road Runner when he suddenly stops and addresses the questions from two little boys watching the action on TV. Wile E. Coyote breaks through the so-called “Fourth Wall” and explains that the Road Runner is an exquisite melange (my words, not his) of flavors.

Love the British spelling of licorice!

For the record, here are the 19 Different Flavors of the Road Runner:

1. Banana (Head Crest)
2. Asparagus (Head Crest)
3. Papaya (Head Crest)
4. Liquorice (Head Crest)
5. Vanilla (Head Crest)
6. Sponge Cake (Beak)
7. Celery (Neck)
8. Candied Yam (Tail)
9. Caramel (Tail)
10. Salami (Windpipe)
11. Tamale (Chest)
12. Chop Suey (Tail)
13. Noodle (Abdomen)
14. Pork Chop (Thigh)
15. Wisconsin Cheddar Cheese (Knee)
16. Double Martini (Calf)
17. Bratwurst (Ankles)
18. Yorkshire Pudding (Heel)
19. Pistachio (Foot)

We’re a PG-rated site, so we’ll leave the Different Flavors of Pamela Lee Anderson for other researchers.  Even if you’ve seen “Zip Zip Hooray,” it’s well worth watching again!

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Filed under advertising, Animal Rights

Schlock Flashback: Origins of the Moses Duck

Moses rubber duck collectibles rubber duckie

Andy Warhol-style portrait of the Moses Duck (actually a corrupted photo file)

“Bye, Bye Red Sea – Hello Bathtub!”
By Darren Garnick
Originally Published:
The Jerusalem Report, March 10, 2003

Forget about the Golden Calf: Imagine a rubber duckie at the base of Mt. Sinai.

Meet the Moses that squeaks instead of stutters, a waterproof prophet who would have had no troubles crossing the Red Sea parted or not. The world’s first Moses rubber duck is the brainchild of 31-year-old Chicago entrepreneur Benjamin Goldman, a former yeshiva student in Gush Etzion.

“I’ve been on a search for spirituality my whole life,” he says. “I believe people connect to Judaism in many ways, whether it’s through the pages of the Talmud or through a Moses duck.”

A first production run of 2500 Moses ducks were specially commissioned through Celebriducks, a company that normally puts bills and feathers on sports stars from Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association and National Hockey League. Moses and the sports-themed ducks retail for $12 at novelty stores across the United States and on-line at http://www.celebriducks.com.

Goldman says that most of his sales are to Bible Belt Christians who are drawn to the duck’s Ten Commandments tablets in Hebrew. The most common feedback from potential Jewish customers is that “Moses looks too much like Santa Claus” and that the duck is “not respectful.”

So far, only about one-fifth of the Moses ducks have made it to the Promised Bathtub. Goldman says his 2 ½ year old son Levy is a good barometer of the slow sales: “Embarrassingly enough, his favorite duck is (Los Angeles Laker) Shaquille O’ Neal.”

MORE EXCLUSIVE PASSOVER COVERAGE:

** Why I would have been a horrible Pharaoh !

** Schlock Flashback: Steven Spielberg’s Country Music Moses

** The Joys of Plastic Lice: Passover toys celebrate Ancient Egypt’s regime change

** Schlock Flashback: Origins of the Moses Duck

** Let My Tastebuds Go: I dare you to try Passover breakfast cereal!

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Filed under Sacreligious Rubber Duckies

Don’t Bite Your Friends

There’s something strangely addicting and compelling about this “Don’t Bite Your Friends” song and dance number by the monsters from Yo Gabba Gabba.

I’m not sure if it’s the hypnotic voice of the robot, the catchy synthesizer beat, the folksy message or the emotional chorus (Bite? Bite? Bite? No! No! No!)

But I want the soundtrack. I first heard this song from the other room as my 2-year-old daughter Dahlia was dancing away. She does not have a biting problem, but she does “affectionately” smack her older brother Ari, 7.

My son suggests two other songs that Yo Gabba Gabba should record:

1. “Don’t Murder Your Friends,” a simple tribute to the 10 Commandments; and

2. “Don’t Use Your Brother as a Tissue,” a personal appeal to his sister’s lack of consideration during flu season.

As long as the robot is the lead singer, I’m thinking both songs could be huge hits.

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Filed under Parenting

Tale of Two Trophies: Obama’s Nobel & My Youth Basketball Award

Should Barack Obama have politely declined his Nobel Peace Prize?

Should Barack Obama have politely declined his Nobel Peace Prize?

As the recipient of the Ronald Reagan Academic Achievement Award, I know what it is like to have to live up to the pressures and expectations of a prestigious honor.

President Obama should have politely turned down the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize and should have given it to one of those ballsy human rights activists rotting away in some Third World hellhole. He would have come across as incredible Noble and it would have become an iconic historic moment celebrated in his presidential library.

Instead, everyone who refers to him as a Nobel laureate now will mention it with an eyeroll or a smirk.

How great would life be if we were rewarded for what people hope we might achieve?

Republicans are just giddy over this news, which will serve as a bottomless well of sarcasm for years to come. RNC Chairman Michael Steele taunted Obama, saying he “won’t be receiving any awards from Americans for job creation, fiscal responsibility, or backing up rhetoric with concrete action.”

And how can they give the Nobel to a guy who won’t meet for lunch with the Dalai Lama because he’s afraid of hurting China’s feelings?

When I was a teenager, I had to skip most of my youth basketball league games one season because my parents refused to drive me as part of comprehensive sanctions implemented because of behavioral issues (I think… I forget what I was actually punished for, but I hold no grudge).

Inexplicably, my parents wanted me to go to the awards banquet at the end of the year.  When I refused, they still got me my trophy (everyone got one) because one of their friends was at the event.  If I really wanted to be melodramatic, I could have smashed that trophy like Moses with the 10 Commandment tablets.  But I simply tossed the trophy in the garage and forgot about it.

I did not want to display a trophy I did not earn. In a Brady Bunch episode, I had seen how emotional kids (specifically Bobby Brady) could get over not winning a trophy.  But I would rather have had an empty shelf than be a fraud.

President Obama could learn a lot from both Bobby Brady’s experience and mine.

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Filed under Asinine Brady Bunch Analogies, Brady Bunch Doctrine, politics, Sports