RECYCLED FASHION: How to turn your supermarket into Project Runway

Paper or plastic?  For a brief time in the 1960s, the disposable paper dress was all the rage. Could Emily Berezin’s grocery bag recycling dress follow suit?

I once made a clunky costume out of trash bags — cape, belt, vest and shorts — for a Create-Your-Own-Superhero themed Halloween party. Trashman (and sidekick Garbageboy) also wore plastic hubcaps as belt buckles.

But Emily, who ironed sheets of grocery bags together and used newspaper to prevent the front of the dress from melting to the back, looks like she should be walking down a fashion runway. And she definitely should be competing on Project Runway.

Although this is not the kind of fabric that would hold up during the harsh Pittsburgh winters!

Grocery Girl in Action

I stumbled across Emily’s portfolio while researching a Herald business story on insect-based advertising, the bizarre use of houseflies (“flyvertising”) to pull mini-banners through the air at trade shows. I highly recommend you check out her biting satirical commentary on our consumer culture. She sculpted Wonder Woman out of pasty Wonder Bread (the crust hair is AMAZING) and makes “BRAnd bras” out of snooty designer labels.

I mean this in only the most complimentary way, she’s a smartass who can sew. Perhaps this holiday season you might consider giving that special someone an embroidered cockroach?

Dear New York Post: I Love You

Does the baby who this body belongs to get any modeling credit?

My romance with the New York Post began at least two decades ago, but how wondrous to discover that the passion is just as strong as it was when I got the first newsprint smudges on my fingertips.

This Pedro Martinez crybaby World Series cover is the most amusing tabloid Photoshop gag since the infamous “Axis of Weasels” front page during the Iraq War.

The courage to call a weasel a weasel

Gitmo’s Boombox: Does an official “Music Torture” song list actually exist?

DOUBLE STANDARD? When John Cusack bombards his girlfriend's home with music, it's cute. When the CIA uses a boombox, it's torture.

So, a pretentious group of musicians is upset that their music is being used to torment America’s most dangerous enemies?

And now they want the U.S. government to release an official song list?

I can’t imagine that such a document actually exists. Are we supposed to believe that CIA and Pentagon interrogators around the world were issued official playlists by some audio-torture DJ?

It’s a safe bet that the music choices used to keep terrorists awake 24/7 were straight from a gazillion different iPods.

However, Culture Schlock has learned that there WAS an official songlist when the U.S. Army flushed Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega out of hiding in 1989.  The psychological warfare guys surrounding the Vatican Embassy during “Operation Just Cause” called in their requests to Army Radio.

How retro.  But before we share that hilarious playlist, check out this Boston Herald column arguing why it’s time to stop apologizing for music torture at Gitmo and at secret CIA detention centers around the globe.

We also believe that the use of the Meow Mix advertising jingle as torture is totally justified and worthy of a smiley face emoticon

And as an aside, this is also the 20th anniversary of the movie “Say Anything,” in which John Cusack hounds his girlfriend Ione Skye with a boombox blaring “In Your Eyes,” a song unlikely to have been used at Gitmo or Panama.

Guns N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" made this dictator's skin crawl!

THE OFFICIAL 1989 MUSIC TORTURE SONG LIST FOR NORIEGA

(Fully applicable to 2009 interrogations minus the Panama jungle jokes)

1. (You’ve Got) Another Thing Coming — Judas Priest
2. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover — Paul Simon
3. All Over But The Crying — Georgia Satellites
4. All I Want is You — U2
5. Big Shot — Billy Joel
6. Blue Collar Man — Styx
7. Born to Run — Bruce Springsteen
8. Bring Down the Hammer — Georgia Satellites
9. Change — Tears for Fears
10. Cleaning Up The Town — The Bus Boys
11. Crying in the Chapel — Brenda Lee
12. Dancing in the Streets — David Bowie
13. Danger Zone — Kenny Loggins
14. Dead Man’s Party — Oingo Boingo
15. Don’t Look Back — Boston
16. Don’t Fear the Reaper — Blue Oyster Cult
17. Don’t Close Your Eyes — Kix
18. Eat My Shorts — Rick Dees
19. Electric Spanking of War Babies — Funkadelic
20. Feel a Whole Lot Better (When You’re Gone) — Tom Petty
21. Freedom Fighter — White Lion
22. Freedom, No Compromise — Little Steven
23. Ghost Rider — The Outlaws
24. Give It Up — KC and the Sunshine Band
25. Gonna Tear Your Playhouse Down — Paul Young
26. Guilty — Bonham
27. Hang ‘Em High — Van Halen
28. Hanging Tough — New Kids on the Block
29. Heavens on Fire — KISS
30. Hello, It’s Me — Todd Rundgren
31. Hello, We’re Here — Tom T. Hall
32. Helter Skelter — The Beatles
33. I Fought The Law and the Law Won — Bobby Fuller
34. If I Had a Rocket Launcher — Bruce Cochran
35. In My Time of Dying — Led Zeppelin
36. Ironman — Black Sabbath
37. It Keeps You Running — Doobie Brothers
38. Judgment Day — Whitesnake
39. Jungle Love — Steve Miller Band
40. Just Like Jesse James — Cher
41. Mayor of Simpleton — XTC
42. Midnight Rider — Allmond Brothers Band
43. Mr. Blue — The Fleetwoods
44. Naughty Naughty — Danger Danger
45. Never Gonna Give You Up — Rick Astley
46. Never Tear Us Apart — INXS
47. No Particular Place to Go — Chuck Berry
48. No More Mister Nice Guy — Alice Cooper
49. No Alibis — Eric Clapton
50. Now You’re Messin’ With an SOB — Nazareth
51. Nowhere Man — The Beatles
52. Nowhere to Run — Martha and the Vandelas
53. One Way Ticket — George Thorogood and the Destroyers
54. Panama — Van Halen
55. Paradise City — Guns N’ Roses
56. Paranoid — Black Sabbath
57. Patience — Guns N’ Roses
58. Poor Little Fool — Ricky Nelson
59. Prisoner of the Highway — Ronnie Milsap
60. Prisoner of Rock and Roll — Neil Young
61. Refugee — Tom Petty
62. Renegade — Styx
63. Rock and a Hard Place — The Rolling Stones
64. Run to the Hills — Iron Maiden
65. Run Like Hell — Pink Floyd
66. Screaming for Vengeance — Judas Priest
67. She’s Got a Big Posse — Arabian Prince
68. Shot in the Dark — Ozzy Osbourne
69. Stay Hungry — Twisted Sister
70. Taking It To The Streets — Doobie Brothers
71. The Party’s Over — Journey
72. The Race is On — Sawyer Brown
73. The Pusher — Steppenwolf
74. The Long Arm of the Law — Warren Zevon
75. The Star Spangled Banner — Jimi Hendrix
76. The Secret of My Success — Night Ranger
77. They’re Coming to Take Me Away — Henry VIII
78. This Means War — Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
79. Time is on My Side — Rolling Stones
80. Too Old to Rock and Roll, Too Young to Die — Jethro Tull
81. Voodoo Child — Jimi Hendrix
82. Wait for You — Bonham
83. Waiting for a Friend — Jimi Hendrix
84. Wanted Dead or Alive — Bon Jovi
85. Wanted Man — Molly Hatchet
86. War Pigs — Black Sabbath
87. We Didn’t Start the Fire — Billy Joel
88. We Gotta Get Out of This Place — The Animals
89. Who Will You Run To? — Heart
90. You Send Me — Sam Cook
91. You Shook Me All Night Long — AC/DC
92. You Hurt Me (And I Hate You) — The Eurythmics
93. You Got Lucky — Tom Petty
94. Your Time is Gonna Come — Led Zeppelin
95. Youth Gone Wild — Skid Row

SOURCE: U.S. Southern Command Public Affairs report about SouthCom Network Radio’s involvement in Operation Just Cause. PDFs of the document are posted at George Washington University’s National Security Archive.

Artists such as REM, Nine Inch Nails, Pearl Jam, Bonnie Raitt, Jackson Browne and David Byrne have not made a squawk about the beheading and torture of Americans, but they are ready to march on Washington when the Guantanamo Bay jukebox is played a little too loud.

WHAT OTHER INSIGHTFUL MINDS THINK ABOUT MUSIC TORTURE AT GITMO…

Jules Crittenden’s FORWARD MOVEMENT — “Twenty days of Slim Shady? That does sound like torture. I don’t think I’d last 20 minutes. But as Garnick suggests, it beats the heck out of being an extra in a jihadi music vid while getting your head sawed off, your vehicle blown up, or your lower Manhattan office tower vaporized.”

Solomon’s SOLOMONIA — “Maybe they should substitute (The Talking Heads) David Byrne’s big white (shoulderpads) suit for those horrid orange jump suits. Remember the big white suit? “You want us to wear what? I’ll talk!!”

MondoReb’s DEATH BY A THOUSAND PAPERCUTS — “Torture music is all in the ears of the beheader.”

David Goldstein’s OUR ANNOYING WORLD — “Billy Bragg? Let’s face the facts, Billy. These days, Gitmo detainees forced to endure your music probably accounts for at least 75% of your listening audience. There’s a time to be sanctimonious and a time to be grateful.”

And a bonus historical essay for context: “The Use of Music in Psychological Operations,” at PsyWarrior.com

Pre-Swine Flu Nostalgia: Feeling sentimental about good old-fashioned germ-o-phobia

I used to mock Purell when it first came on the market. Now I may as well drink the stuff.

CULTURE SCHLOCK – By Darren Garnick
“PARANOIA AIR: Germ-o-phobia overtakes supermarket carts, airplanes”
The Telegraph
Originally Published: January 19, 2006
**
Like many overprotective parents, I zealously keep my toddler away
from chainsaws, pit bulls and downed electrical lines. But there’s one
hazard that terrifies me above all the others.

Despite explicit instructions not to touch a molecule, regardless of
how pristine it may appear, my three-year-old son acts like a “Price
Is Right” game show hostess in a public restroom. He slowly brushes
his hand across the stall partitions and the waste baskets. He
showcases the paper towel and soap dispensers. His fingerprints even
wind up on the floor tiles.

Scrubbing him down is a logistical nightmare because he cannot reach
the sink. I tuck him underneath one arm like a football and use the
other hand to rub his hands with soap. In the end, at least a half
gallon of water winds up on his shirt. When my child is tall enough,
I’ll teach him the essentials of urinal yoga: How to flush any toilet
with your sneaker.

I thought I was superparanoid about germs until I stumbled across The
Wall Street Journal’s recent consumer tests of anti-bacterial products
for airline passengers. As bad as a raunchy gas station bathroom or
portable toilet is, an airplane is essentially a petri dish with
wings. There’s no place for the germs to go, so they socialize inside
the vents and luggage compartments. In the airplane bathroom itself,
a.k.a. Virus Central, it is impossible not to have every body part
brush against the walls.

The Journal’s phobia product round-up includes a $75 neck pillow “with
a built-in ionizer to shoo pollutants from your personal breathing
space,” an $85 pair of metal-free “travel shoes” which wearers might
not have to take off during the security check, a $10 anti-bacterial
seat wrap, and an $8 bottle of anti-flu nasal spray.

We’re just one more SARS epidemic or chicken flu away from the launch
of Paranoia Air, an airline in which the flight attendants wear white
biohazard suits and the passengers all wear surgical masks. At least
that scenario might spare you from an annoying conversation with a
chatty passenger sitting next to you.

Self-help guru Deepak Chopra, who travels frequently for his New Age
seminars, told the Journal that he recommends flying without any
anti-microbe protection. “By creating an artificial environment, we’re
not stimulating our immune system enough,” he said. “Germs are immune
stimulants. They challenge you to be prepared.”

Back on the ground, it’s tough to be kissy-kissy with these
“challenging” germs — especially after reading the latest handwashing
studies (which the soap industry churns out weekly under academic
cover). After paying spies to observe more than 6,000 people in
public restrooms, the American Society for Microbiology recently
reported that 25 percent of guys snub the sink altogether opposed to
only 10 percent of women.

Unfortunately, there is no way to segregate the clean people from the
dirty ones. Even hanging out with just women doesn’t eliminate the
risk (although it does cut it in half).

Supermarket shopping cart studies, usually publicized at sweeps time
by FOX News affiliates, always prove to be nauseating. One University
of Arizona study found that one in five carts in Tucson “tested
positive for bodily fluids, blood, mucus, saliva or urine.” The
University of Maryland had no trouble finding E. coli bacteria in the
festering juices of raw beef, chicken and pork clinging to these
carts.

The Wall Street Journal gives a thumbs down to most of the anti-germ
products it tested, but it does endorse using alcohol-based hand
sanitizers, such as Purell, even after washing your hands on a plane.
Sometimes, they found, even the water can’t be trusted. The
Environmental Protection Agency recently discovered “unacceptable”
levels of coliform bacteria coming out of airline sinks.

As long as we can’t see the germs, paranoia will continue to thrive –
and so will these products. Makes me wish I bought some stock in
Purell.

Tale of Two Trophies: Obama’s Nobel & My Youth Basketball Award

Should Barack Obama have politely declined his Nobel Peace Prize?

As the recipient of the Ronald Reagan Academic Achievement Award, I know what it is like to have to live up to the pressures and expectations of a prestigious honor.

President Obama should have politely turned down the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize and should have given it to one of those ballsy human rights activists rotting away in some Third World hellhole. He would have come across as incredible Noble and it would have become an iconic historic moment celebrated in his presidential library.

Instead, everyone who refers to him as a Nobel laureate now will mention it with an eyeroll or a smirk.

How great would life be if we were rewarded for what people hope we might achieve?

Republicans are just giddy over this news, which will serve as a bottomless well of sarcasm for years to come. RNC Chairman Michael Steele taunted Obama, saying he “won’t be receiving any awards from Americans for job creation, fiscal responsibility, or backing up rhetoric with concrete action.”

And how can they give the Nobel to a guy who won’t meet for lunch with the Dalai Lama because he’s afraid of hurting China’s feelings?

When I was a teenager, I had to skip most of my youth basketball league games one season because my parents refused to drive me as part of comprehensive sanctions implemented because of behavioral issues (I think… I forget what I was actually punished for, but I hold no grudge).

Inexplicably, my parents wanted me to go to the awards banquet at the end of the year.  When I refused, they still got me my trophy (everyone got one) because one of their friends was at the event.  If I really wanted to be melodramatic, I could have smashed that trophy like Moses with the 10 Commandment tablets.  But I simply tossed the trophy in the garage and forgot about it.

I did not want to display a trophy I did not earn. In a Brady Bunch episode, I had seen how emotional kids (specifically Bobby Brady) could get over not winning a trophy.  But I would rather have had an empty shelf than be a fraud.

President Obama could learn a lot from both Bobby Brady’s experience and mine.

Obi Wan Kenobi could hit a baseball blindfolded…

… but could you?

Keep your eye on the ball.

Hand-eye coordination.

Staring down your opponent.

Imagine the challenges of blind baseball players, particularly the heightened risk of getting drilled in the face with a line drive.  Freshly plucked from our video archives is a glimpse of how to play Beep Baseball.

Here’s the Boston Renegades vs. the Lowell Lightning:

Tanks for the Memories: Mike Dukakis and the Perils of Playing Dress-Up

The personalized sticky label on Mike's helmet was a nice touch

Can posing for just one Tacky Tourist Photo forever alter the course of American history?

Bonnet Heads Fight Back: Anne vs. Laura debate heats up the Prairie!

Melissa Gilbert and Laura Ingalls fans are making their voices heard in Culture Schlock's exclusive Laura Ingalls vs. Anne of Green Gables Poll -- considered by some observers to be an allegory for American-Canadian relations.

In what began as a fun-spirited popularity survey about North American children’s book icons, the Laura Ingalls vs. Anne of Green Gables debate has degenerated into a nasty girl fight.

First, there were the ultra-literate bullies over at the L.M. Montgomery Resource Page gloating that Anne wipes the floor with Laura in a “Google Fight.”

Then, Christopher Czajka, a historical consultant for Little House on the Prairie: The Musical, launched what may be the most visceral defense of Laura since Ingalls herself tricked Nellie into swimming in a leech-infested creek.

In an exclusive screed for Culture Schlock readers, Christopher writes:

“On any given day, Laura Ingalls Wilder could kick Anne of Green Gables’ butt across the street. First of all, she was a real person. Not an fictional character modeled, physically, after a notorious stripper (really, now, who writes a children’s book and bases the heroine on Evelyn Nesbit?)

“Laura was as tough as nails. . .enduring blizzards, tornadoes, plagues of grasshoppers, near-starvation. . . and all without unravelling a braid. If only we could put Anne and her cunning little hat in a Dakota claim shanty when it’s forty degrees below zero. Then we’d see what would happen, we would.

“I have just returned from a LITTLE HOUSE festival near Mount Rushmore, where I ran a trivia contest to promote LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE, THE MUSICAL. There were people of all ages in prairie drag. There’s  a reason why die-hard LITTLE HOUSE fans are called Bonnetheads. . .they show up for events, you see, in their bonnets. And there are legions of them. They make pilgrimages to historic sites. They can recite lines of the TV series. They do in-depth historical research into the people and places mentioned in Laura’s books.

“And there are a LOT more Laura fans than Anne fans, at least in the United States. Trust me on this.”

We’re not educated enough to understand the allusion to the stripper and Evelyn Nesbit — and we feel we’d be deceiving you if we Googled it and pretended we did — but it’s pretty clear that Mr. Czajka is not complimenting the Babe from the Gables.

No matter which side of the Anne/Laura rivalry you come to this blog from, it is your moral responsibility to vote. Here’s where you can take a stand.

Time to Draw the Donuts: Simpsons prop artist once dreamed of creating classical oil paintings

Although he once studied the techniques of Rembrandt and Picasso, artist John Krause is the guy who draws Homer Simpson's frosted donuts and Itchy & Scratchy's internal wounded organs!

THE WORKING STIFF – By Darren Garnick
“Time to draw the donuts!”
Originally Published: The Boston Herald

July 25, 2007
**
My first lesson about career jealousy oozed out of a box of donuts.

In the early 1980s, when I was a scrawny offensive lineman for the Chelmsford High School Lions, I watched two fellow sophomores squabble over a chocolate kruller. Shawn, owner of the Dunkin’ dozen, adamantly refused to give Harry a single crumb.

Harry was not only our team’s worshiped running back, but was also in all honors classes and a shoo-in to be picked in the professional baseball draft. The fact that he only hung around upperclassmen after
school made him a pariah with his peers.

“I wouldn’t give him a donut if this locker room was filled to the ceiling with donuts!” grumbled Shawn, sprinkling in a few F-bombs. “I wouldn’t give him one even if the whole school was filled with donuts!”

Another player witnessing this scene was art student John Krause, who like me, had the opposite problem as Harry. We weren’t important enough to (italics) deserve (end itals) complimentary donuts. Posing no threat to steal playing time away from anybody, the artist and the writer were essentially just pregame tackling dummies for the seniors.

Ironically, my friend John went on to sketch some of the most famous frosted donuts in history. And this week represents his most glorious moment.

John is the “prop design lead” for The Simpsons Movie, which debuts in theaters worldwide this Friday. That means he oversaw the creation of every vehicle, building, tree, street sign and inanimate object in the Springfield universe.

Nearly every can of food in the Kwik-E-Mart had John’s stamp of approval. Police Chief Wiggum’s badge and gun? Reverend Lovejoy’s bible? Lisa’s saxophone? Otto’s school bus? All John’s work, too.

He’s been at the gig for 14 of the TV show’s record 19 seasons. But virtually every prop from the series needed to be redesigned with more details to survive closer scrutiny on the movie screen. With Disney-Pixar and DreamWorks being the new standard bearers of animated features, the simple line drawings of Homer and Marge needed an upgrade.

If my friend had wound up opening an art gallery in Paris and had his paintings displayed at the Louvre, I would be happy for him. But I wouldn’t be bragging that I know him.

Like any job, I’m sure his work must seem monotonous at times and his office must have its fair share of schmucks. But from the outside peering in, from the perspective of what makes fascinating dinner party conversation, he simply has the coolest job ever.

I’m obviously not the only one who thinks so. John sheepishly admits his job title used to serve as a surefire pickup line with women (before he met his wife Maria). And once or twice a year, he has the privilege of sharing his skills with terminally ill children visiting from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The amazing thing is that John never dreamed of working in cartoons. At the Rhode Island School of Design, he pursued highbrow disciplines such as sculpture, oil painting, furniture design and stained glass. At nearby Brown University, he also studied human anatomy and morphology by sketching cadavers.

But go ahead and check the job listings for “classic oil painter.” Dead body portraiture isn’t the most welcoming profession either. So when John first learned about animation opportunities through his RISD network, he pounced.

His anatomy classes have since come in handy for sketching the wounded internal organs of “Itchy & Scratchy,” the Simpsons’ hyper-violent incarnation of “Tom & Jerry.”

I don’t know what my high school classmates Shawn or Harry will be doing this weekend. But hopefully I’ll be at the movies, waiting to see John’s name in the credits.

Some of us who don’t achieve our original career dreams are blessed to later discover something even better. And at the very least, I’m thrilled that both John and I can now afford to buy our own boxes of donuts.

**
Darren Garnick’s “Working Stiff” column runs every Wednesday in the Boston Herald. Check out John’s exclusive landscaping critique of a Canadian Simpsons-themed house over at Tacky Tourist Photos!

Who’s Cooler: “Anne from Green Gables” or Laura Ingalls from “Little House on the Prairie?”

Tourists of all ages, genders, races, creeds and political affiliations are clamoring to dress as "Anne of Green Gables" in the utopian land of Prince Edward Island

Well, now you know my vote. Leave your vote below!

In case you are wondering what I am doing wearing braids and a green dress, explanations can be found below. Not that any explanations are necessary — both Canada and the USA, for the moment, still protect free expression.

READ HOW YOU, TOO, CAN BECOME A CANADIAN ICON!

Boston Herald: For $2, you can be “Anne of Green Gables”

Herald “Working Stiff” Blog: “Dress for Success: Why can’t Lexington and Concord be this photo-op friendly?

Tacky Tourist Photos: Third runner-up in the “Anne of Green Gables” lookalike contest

Back to Laura Ingalls… Her dad, Charles Ingalls, a.k.a. Michael Landon, could be one of the coolest TV characters of all time. He was gentlemanly and could kick your ass. He always did the right thing, that Charles.

If you click on the picture, you can see what the real Charles looked like (the beard styles of the time made everyone look like the Unabomber).

My fourth grade teacher gave us extra credit for watching that show because it allegedly taught us about the nuances of being a pioneer.

JAPANNE OF GREEN GABLES

My goofy Anne photo is now being formally shared with the Japanese fan base. Here’s what makes it official:

Click the picture for Yuka Kajihara’s view of who is the most “charming Anne” of all time.

UPDATE: Bonnet Heads Fight Back: Anne vs. Laura debate heats up the Prairie!